Secrets of the Magog
by Kazolus
Summary: A silly little ficlet, set during the first half of season two, in which Rev Bem discovers the true origin of the Magog...


Disclaimer: I own nothing except a small aubergine.  
  
Dylan gazed out at the stars from the obs deck, unaware that Rev Bem was approaching from behind.  
  
"Dylan." The wayist caught his attention.  
  
"Ah, hey Rev," Dylan turned round, "was there something you wanted?"  
  
"Well, Dylan, I'm not sure how to say this," Rev hesitated, "I was doing some research into the history of the Magog."  
  
"Found anything new?"  
  
"I've pieced together some ancient records, and I think I may have discovered their... or, should I say, our origin."  
  
"Oh?"  
  
"It seems to begin on Earth, several millennia ago, with an experimental curry called a chicken magog."  
  
Dylan was suddenly very confused.  
  
"Er... go on," he said.  
  
"Well, this curry was created by the owner of an Indian restaurant called Abdul Kumar. His life-long dream was to create a curry spicier than any other. Many said he was insane, given the fact that the world's spiciest curry at the time was the magmaloo: a curry which often caused paralysis and spontaneous combustion. Nevertheless, he pursued his dream. He used genetically modified chicken, which were designed to be spicy, and added a sauce made from extremely concentrated chilli peppers, which were genetically modified to be used as hand grenades. He called it the chicken magog. Unfortunately, it only measured at 5.9 on the rector scale, making it less spicy than the magmaloo. People still begged him to stop this insanity, but Abdul was determined to break the record. He continued his research in secret. Then disaster struck. For some reason, a portion of chicken magog, which was in the experimental stages of development, was exposed to high levels of radiation... apparently. This caused the curry to transform into an entirely new life form: a beast which attacked any living thing in sight, for food, or to infest with it's larva..."  
  
Rev paused as he felt overwhelmed with shame. He looked at Dylan who had a very bewildered look on his face.  
  
"So..." Dylan began, "How, er, did the radiation alter the chicken magog?"  
  
"I'm not sure," Rev confessed, "perhaps this section was accidentally cross- referenced with the comic book archives."  
  
"Ah, that might explain a few things."  
  
"Anyway," Rev continued, "the Magog reproduced, until the Earth was under a full scale assault. Soon, Mr Kumar decided to put an end to the race of monsters he'd created. But by this time it was impossible to defeat them using force, instead they had to be manipulated. Mr Kumar altered his own genetic structure, thus turning himself into a supreme being which the Magog would worship and obey. He then commanded the Magog to leave the Earth. But, Abdul's new powers were too much for him, he began to feel like a god. Then, for some unknown reason he decided to use the Magog to destroy the Universe itself. Calling himself The Spirit of the Abyss, he began the construction of the World Ship which would spread death and destruction wherever it travelled."  
  
"Call me a sceptic," Dylan laughed, "but I find that a little far-fetched."  
  
"I thought so too," Rev explained, "but that was before I heard this. Andromeda, play the recording of Brandenberg Torr."  
  
An image appeared on a nearby control monitor of The Spirit of the Abyss commanding the Magog at Brandenberg Torr.  
  
"Now, filter out all sound except the noise coming from the Abyss."  
  
All that could be heard was a strange whirling sound.  
  
"Increase speed by 30% and play it backwards," said Rev.  
  
For a moment there was silence, then Dylan clearly heard a male voice with an Indian accent.  
  
"Sanjeev, take these to table five..." it said, "we need more chutney on table three..."  
  
A few more random statements were made, then the recording stopped.  
  
"Well, now I don't know what to think," said Dylan, looking even more bewildered.  
  
"Clearly that was the voice of Abdul Kumar," Rev assessed, "although what we heard were his memories, mere echoes of the man he used to be."  
  
They were both silent for a moment.  
  
"Although," said Rev, "there is some good news."  
  
"What's that?" asked Dylan.  
  
"We now know the Magog's weakness," Rev explained, "Because they are descended from curries, they are born with a pathological fear of popadoms."  
  
"Of course!" said Dylan, "Andromeda..."  
  
"Yes Dylan?" Andromeda's face appeared on the monitor.  
  
"Set course for the nearest Indian restaurant. We need to stock up..." 


End file.
